The political* speech you’ll never hear

Ladies and Gentlemen, fellow congressmen/governors/senators/legislators/teammates:
I have disgraced my office/team, and more importantly my marriage and my family. No one has figured out what I’m doing. My name will not be appearing in court papers, in any blogs or in the mainstream media. I’ve been committing adultery/embezzling funds/taking bribes/having sex with interns/consorting with gay [...]