My favorite Christmas Holiday Joke

You’ve probably seen this one floating around in email-land, but just in case not..I wanted to share:
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 3rd November 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function
room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of
drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please
feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up
dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m..
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD
will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’.. The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have
other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your
name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on
a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous
anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about
the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union
Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe
$10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Part
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or
else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil
doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of
Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant
women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to
sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each
will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements
for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to
cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats
for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a
diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those
people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply
“No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
&nbs! p; TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2005
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”,
as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your f****** salad bar,
including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too,
They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing
the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink
drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with
full pay.



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2 responses to “My favorite Christmas Holiday Joke

  1. BWAH Ha Ha!! Merry Christmas to ya!

  2. When we are born our brains are like empty computers waiting to be fed information. As we grow our peers act as our programmers, they supply us with the knowledge which we channel through the conscious mind into the subconscious (our hard drive). The subconscious mind is the biggest hard drive ever developed – it stores everything we come in contact with and by no means is all of this information of a positive nature.
    All that we have heard, touched, smelt, tasted and seen are stored in the recesses of our minds. The subconscious mind holds on to this information until we need to recall it. For example when you were young your curiosity lead you to investigate your surroundings. When you approached a substance that was dangerous, such as fire, your parents or guardians would most likely have rebuked or scolded you if you ventured too near the flame. Perhaps you may even recall an incident when you were physically burned. Your subconscious mind then began to relate scolding (or pain) with the intense heat of the fire and would therefore feed the feelings of the scolding incident back to you whenever you got too close to fire again, thus acting as an early warning system.
    This is the mechanism used by our brains to learn. It is also the same method employed by the mind in every situation. The subconscious mind has a tendency to emulate what it sees – it tends to replicate its environment. This is why so many people find themselves in similar relationships and situations that they saw their parents in while they were growing up. Most people also hold very strongly or similar views of their parents.
    Think of a time when you gave yourself praise. What words did you use? Do you use the same words that your parents or peers used when they were praising you? The same is applicable when you scold yourself.

    Watch your internal dialogue. Look at it closely. It takes diligence to change the way you think. When you notice yourself thinking a negative chose to think the opposite. This way you neutralise the negative thought. Now the think the positive thought again! You have just reversed the negative thinking in that moment and remember you only have this moment. No other time exists!
    Daydream about what might be. Imagine things they way you wish them to be. If you catch yourself thinking “this is just a daydream – a fantasy” then stop! Think the opposite. It is not a daydream it is your reality. Now think it again.

    By doing this simple procedure you will begin to retrain your subconscious mind to think positively and you will ultimately begin to consciously create a life that dreams are made of! personal development

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