Dog training, or more accurately, people training has been a big topic around here because it is clear that in a household with two humans and two dogs, humans 1 and 2 are coming in 3rd and 4th respectively in the race for domination of Chez’ Hutchmo. The relative status of the two humans competing for human household domination is of course a matter of no small dispute and in question here only because my wife hasn’t quite realized that I’m blogging again and I have a small window before she figures it out.
Anyway, I kept hearing about this show on the National Geographic Channel (a channel I’ve watched heretofore only when I know they are going to show those movies where sharks and other predators pounce – what is the aquatic equivalent of pounce? – upon their prey, thus confirming the superiority of the human species until I remember who is taking ME for a walk every afternoon).
The show is called ‘The Dog Whisperer’ and the star of the show – dude named Cesar – comes into people’s homes and nicely and gently explains that that they are morons re their dog and dog training because in the evolutionary sense of the deal, humans are SUPPOSED to be superior to the dog, but somehow these superiority-challenged pet-owners haven’t received the Darwinian memo. He really is an amazing guy. His point, of course, is that it is not the dog who needs training as much as the dog owners who need to get a clue.
He leaves the owners with a new appreciation for who is actually in charge along with a few techniques to keep the dog at hand (or more accurately, at foot). I get the feeling that if you visited these folk’s houses a few months later, the dog would be up on the couch chewing a shoe and laughing at re-runs of Lassie, just like if you revisited the pig sties that those Queer Guys remodeled a year after the big makeover…you just gotta know that most of us ‘straight’ types revert…
Anyway, I have taken on a new resolve to at least slip into 3rd place, and sneak up into 2nd or even 1st place using the Dog Whisper’s secrets of doggy domination (important note: the doggy domination part is STRICTLY in reference to the canines). While I was contemplating my first moves (hey, my wife is at work and the dogs are outside), I started wondering if anybody has ever attempted to be ‘The Cat Whisperer’.
I can imagine a cat pretending to be dominated just to make the ‘owners’ believe that they run the joint. I can hear the cat soon after, talking in a French accent (for some reason I think if cats could talk they would speak english with a French accent) quoting from Monty Python, ‘you silly american pig-dog, I sneer at your bottom, I fart in your general di-rect-tion’…
I understand why there is no ‘Man Whisperer’. The job would be ridiculously easy and could be accomplished by every girlfriend/wife/significant other in existence.. All they’d have to do is come up to a man and whisper something sexually suggestive…game, set, match..if you know what I mean.