This ain’t your Green Hills Krogers, or, I’m sorry I didn’t realize that all these parking spots were reserved for the Po-lice..

Since moving from the greater Green Hills area to the north side, we have had few regrets. We live in a relatively small neighborhood (Salemtown) bordering on another small-much-better-known neighborhood, Germantown. The service and COFFEE-house industry has not yet discovered our neighborhood, but truth is, we don’t have to drive all that far for most of what we need, including comedy.

I’m trying to have one of those personal paradigm shifts regarding one of our neighborhood institutions, the 8th Avenue Krogers. If you look at this Krogers as a place to buy groceries, where fast-service and wondrous food selection are part of the brand, you will be sorely disappointed. If you view ‘our’ Krogers as a foundry for comedy, this location has the goods.

Start with the worst-designed parking lot in the world. I wouldn’t be surprised if Krogers had held an April 1st contest for stupid parking lot design, offering 12 loaves of Bunny Bread to the winner, and then actually utilized the winning design. More wasted space cannot be found (outside of the Metro Council chambers on a Tuesday night) in the greater Nashville area.

This Krogers does offer an incredible selection of white bread and jugged sugar-laden juices, not to mention the special high-sodium aisle offering NaCL-laden food-stuffs guaranteed to boost the old blood pressure at least 20 points or they’ll pay for your next blood pressure check.

All of that is prelude to the check out lines. A couple of days ago, I ambled over to our Krogers to help feed my wife’s addiction for Diet Cokes (my theory, crazy as it may sound, is that if you buy a whole lot of D. Coke at a time, rather than buying ONE can at a time (someone else’s theory), you can actually save money).

Anyway, I made it to the Express checkout line (15 items or less) where I was second in line behind a slow-moving woman who took her sweet time unloading her 19 items on the conveyor belt. These 19 items didn’t include any dupe’s where you can say, well..these are the same, they count as one. I had plenty of time to count and re-count her items as she slowly slowly slowly loaded the conveyor, so I’m pretty sure I had an accurate count.

The cashier toted up the items, and was about to announce the total, when she decided to have a meandering conversation with my-quickly-becoming-least-favorite customer ever.

“I don’t know about corporal punishment..I’m just not sure if it belongs in the school”…”honey, I used to think it was important, but now I’m not sure”.

Let me just say that I abridged the above conversation in the interest of readability. Needless to say, my position on corporal punishment was rapidly evolving listening to this conversation.

After the conversation spun down into a puddle of thrice-chewed cliches, when the check-out clerk managed to mention that the total was $61.24, our favorite customer decided it was time to search for her checkbook. Of course, her purse could have been used to shoplift all 19 items on the conveyor belt, had she been of the shoplifting bent.

After she found her checkbook, and she FINALLY wrote the check, the check-out clerk realized she had made a mistake, and the ACTUAL total was $82.62. This precipitated another mining mission into the purse-of-the-abyss….Just about the time check number two was about to be written, my FAVORITE customer decided she needed two packs of some kind of cigarette. I couldn’t hear the actual brand because my blood pressure had elevated to the point where my hearing was stymied by the ringing in my ears.

Seventeen minutes to the second after I entered the express lane, my four items were finally checked out. I smiled meekly to the cashier as she scanned my stuff. Words just don’t suffice for what I wanted to say…

I’m still working on that paradigm-shift stuff…..

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “This ain’t your Green Hills Krogers, or, I’m sorry I didn’t realize that all these parking spots were reserved for the Po-lice..

  1. Vic

    “incredible selection of white bread and jugged sugar-laden juices”

    Hee-hee…

  2. Well said.

    Although your lifetime of living in this town shows with the “s” at the end of Kroger.

    When in Kroger, especially 8th Ave., I utilize a checkout tactic that involves trying to figure out if the people in front of me know the cashier. This especially comes into play when in a hurry.

    If the cashier is elderly, I make sure the people in line are not of the same generation. If the cashier is Palestinian, I get in line behind Mr. and Mrs. Levine. The last thing you want is for the cashier and customer in front of you to start gossiping about what happened at church or the nail salon.

  3. You just described my last trip to Krogers,…..I HATE THAT STORE! I leave annoyed and angry every time. Not to mention, I am never really happy with what I picked up and payed for,…I hope to God a publix comes soon.

  4. Anonymous

    Thanks 4 your post.
    I always find it affirming to read or talk to folks who have recently moved out of the Green Hills areas to new areas near or around the metro area.

    I just moved from an apartment near Vanderbilt University to the Donelson area/ the lake area.

    No longer a renter but an owner of a 2 story townhouse.

    I love it.

    At first i thought what a mistake i may have made, and then as i started to drive around- I did find that all the stores that i drove out of the Green Hills Area to do my bulk Shopping are just in my area.

    My all time fav:
    Family Dollar
    Big Lots

    The Hermitage Library is just a beautiful as the Green Hills Library but bigger.

    The Green way that starts at Shelby bottoms actually ends it’s 8 mile trek just next to the Police Academy on Lebanon Pike.

    Of Course the locally operated coffee shops seem not to be here– yet.. but i think think there is one called something like, ” Phat Mouths”.. i’ll have to check it out.

    This is a much more diverse area than I had previously imagined and that has made me feel
    more comfortable.

    Don’t where the other Liberals Are.. but hey there are always
    Listserves..

    Thanks again 4 your post.
    deborah

  5. Phat Bites, Deborah, is one of the best-kept secrets in Nashville.

    Trust me, you’ll love our side of town.

    As for Kroger–
    They are all levels of horrible, in my opinion.

  6. Okay, I love Big Lots. There’s just something reminiscent of the old Kress store we had pre-Wal Mart about it.
    Shopping.
    I hate it. Absolutely, especially any kind of discount city/large grocery store setting.
    Eerie. It’s just plain eerie.

  7. Well said about ‘our’ Kroger. I like it because I walk out of my back gate and it’s staring me in the face, making the phrase, “Honey, we’re out of milk,” not so unbearable.

    So, I try to avoid the place between 4 and 7 on weekdays and all day Sunday.

    I don’t do big item purchases there; I’ll drive to a Publix for that.

    This Kroger is for last minute Ragu and DiGiorno buys, nothing more.

  8. EZA

    your Kroger store combines all the supermarket stereotypes in one convenient place. No small feat.

  9. In its defense, our Kroger also has a small but useful health food section, where Karsten and I regularly buy our organic but fun breakfast cereal (and hey, Kellogg’s now has several varieties of organic cereals, including Shredded Mini-Wheats, and those are even made without gelatin so they’re suitable for veg*ns! AND our Kroger carries them!). They also have a small frozen health food section, where we pick up our Gardenburgers. They even carry the shredded and sliced soy cheeses we use all the time. Can’t say much for the produce section, but in a pinch, we can always find onions, sliced mushrooms, bagged pre-washed lettuce, and that sort of thing.

    Sure, it’s nowhere near as expansive and sophisticated as the Green Hills Kroger, but between this Kroger and Turnip Truck (which is WAY closer to Germantown than Wild Oats), we’ve been able to do most of our grocery shopping outside of Green Hills. And any time we don’t have to battle Hillsboro Pike traffic, we’re very happy.

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