Simon says shut up, or, America idles for a Lynching

Ok..I watched the last twenty minutes or so of American Idol auditions tonight. I’ve thought about this for a while and I’m now totally convinced that not only is Simon most of the contestants true friend, I’m wishing I had a life-Simon to be honest with me when I’ve said and done some of the most absolute dumb-ass things imaginable.

I wouldn’t have sat next to Lisa Ball on the bus ride home from church camp oblivious to the fact that she would prefer sitting next to a syphilitic dwarf with bad intent. I wouldn’t have come up with THIS sparkling conversational jewel while double dating with my best friend – ‘hey, look, there’s a green mailbox!’ I actually said that after a 15 minute uncomfortable silence on the way to our first (and last date). Not surprisingly, the silence picked right back up after my Noel Coward moment.

I wouldn’t have eaten that bleu cheese burger in Cincinnati after the first bite screamed ‘BAD CHEESE’. I wouldn’t have picked the one gas station in Ohio without a ventilated bathroom to curl up and die in after eating the bad cheeseburger. I wouldn’t have told the menstruation joke when someone’s mom visited our communal meal up in Brooklyn….there’s a lot more, but I can beat myself up so much. Where’s my life coach, my Simon to tell me..get off the stage…SHUT THE *)*) UP!

Secondly, if you watched the previews for the auditions next week in the Seattle episode you may have noticed that apparently every extra from Twin Peaks is re-emerging to make their mark on American and the Idol world. Maybe they should have just stopped with the Maker’s Mark and skipped the audition.

Who in God’s name is telling all these people they can sing? Is 3 minutes of public humiliation really worth it just to get on, Gasp..TeeVee?



Filed under pop cults

8 responses to “Simon says shut up, or, America idles for a Lynching

  1. I love American Idol, but geez, tonight was painful. I actually liked the Shakira clone and the sailor…

    I think you just hit on Simon’s new career…the Dr. Phil of brutality.

  2. I haven’t followed AI in a while but I used to, and actually liked Simon. Some of those folks NEED the truth, just like you said.

    And that’s one of the few clear moments of the drunken/high Paula Abdul interview that’s going around, she did more or less say the Seattle auditions were mostly horrific.

    I got one thing to say about that pic – “Gabba gabba, we accept you, we accept you, one of us!”

    (Dang, I think Freaks may be missing from my fave movies lists, need to go remedy that.)

  3. Ivy

    Fuck, blogger hates me tonight and won’t let me post a comment.

    Anyway, I’d like to hear said menstruation joke. Please email it to me. Thanks.

  4. Heh, I must hear this menstruation joke. Send it to my email, please?

  5. But John,
    If you hadn’t done those things, would you have enjoyed yourself as much?

    Sometimes it’s good to make a fool of ones self.

    “You gotta sing,like no one is listening,
    Love, like you’ll never get hurt.
    You gotta dance dance dance, like no one is watching,
    It’s gotta come from the heart if you want it to work” (c)Suzanne Clark.

  6. I missed it last night but I’m with you about Simon.
    Yeah, he’s brutal but when he gives a compliment, you know he means it.
    And then there’s that whole Paula Abdul thing going on.
    By the way, I really love your headline.
    Very clever.

  7. Ivy – sadly the monumental embarrassment of that moment – you wouldn’t believe the stunned look on the faces of everyone present – have totally wiped the joke off the face of my earth.

    You know how when you (well, maybe OTHERS) do something stupid and you can remember kind of a greatest hits of embarrassment of stupidity/embarrassment from your past, without really remembering all the details…that’s one of em’ for me. I couldn’t have been any more inappropriate if I had farted at a wedding while talking on my cell phone (just before I said ‘I do’)..

  8. Randy’s getting more blunt as the years go by. Simon is 9 times out of 10 right on the money. There are times he’s a little too mean, but, usually, I think he’s right.

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