Today, and today only, I’m going to tell you with ABSOLUTE certainty* who will win some of the Oscars tonight. I’ve had many years of viewing experience and have probably watched more movies than the number of goofy bills produced each session by our state representatives.
I’m privvy to the ‘rules’**. I know on which side the popcorn is buttered***. I’m ready to share.
Best Movie: The Departed. It probably really IS the best movie, imo, but this year the award goes to Martin Scorsese. That’s one of the rules, btw..make up for past ‘slights’ by awarding Oscars NOW. Anyway, bet the farm, your car, and that copy of The Declaration of Independence hanging in your garage.
Best Actor: Forest Whitaker. Just trust me on this one. You probably didn’t see ‘The Last King of Scotland’. I did. He rocked. He was also incredible on ‘The Shield’, which, yes, is a TV show, but once again, we’re talking critical mass.
Best Actress: Helen Mirren. Didn’t see the movie. Don’t have to. I know the rules. However, I would like to go on record that I support the Sarcastro Penelope Cruz’ theorem.
No, I didn’t see these movies. All I do know is, out of that list, the answer is Penelope Cruz.
Penelope really was smoking good in Volver, but las películas con subtítulos no producen a menudo a ganadores oscar****.
Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin. To steal once again from The Mighty Sarcastro: It’s another lifetime achievement type deal here. The movie was fun, but it won’t win best picture, because, hell, name a comedy that ever won Best Picture (well..not many do!).
Best Supporting Actress: Abigail Breslin from ‘Little Miss Sunshine’. She was good, but Blanchett was better. Young girls tend to do well here.
*Absolute certainty as defined by a guy who once actually purchased an IBM PC jr, quadraphonic hi-fi equipment and a Commodore Vic 20, but if you do lose money on this don’t be looking at me.
** English actors with good reputations who play historical characters even if that history is a few weeks old do well….that’s one rule. White liberal guilt is another BIGGIE.
***Buttered in the sense that the yellow sticky gooey stuff can be construed as butter.
**** Movies with subtitles don’t do well at Oscar-time.