Once upon a time..

I’m sure it was in another state, but there was a small town with a large mayor who haaaaaaaaaaaated dogs. This small town had a leash law, but it was a law mostly observed as unnecessary. Needless to say, dogs roamed the street in this small town. Dogs shat pretty much everywhere they wanted to, but it was when the dogs marked the mayor’s car that he decided to take action.

The next day, a small gallows was built on the town square. A dog catcher was hired with the surplus funds collected by a new smoker’s tax. The day after that, the citizenry awoke to the horror of a Scottish terrier hanging by its neck, deader than the chances of Tom Tancredo becoming President. Much moaning ensured, not to mention a few zesty letters to the editor, and yes, a few people purchased leashes.

The next morning it was a German Shepherd. The day after that it was a collie, and then a doxie. Some of the citizenry howled and others gathered in the square early in the morning eagerly awaiting the next morning’s quarry. No cameras were allowed, and the townsfolk were asked not include the news in the mail to the outside world.

After a month of doggie-style hangings, word began to seep out. Our small town was isolated and in a mountainous zone not populated by tourists wishing for outlet malls and snappy t-shirts, but in this day and age, word does seep out.

In the nearest city, a photographer for the daily rag decided to visit ‘our small town’ early the next morning. He set up shop in an oak tree, festooned with enough coverage to hide his bulk and his camera. After waiting uncomfortably in the tree for an hour, the dog catching team (that smoker’s tax was REALLY paying dividends), arrived with a beautiful chow. Ciao chow.

The photographer managed to snap 12 incredible pictures including a black and white number that eventually broke the heart of dog-lovers in all seven continents. Naturally, the next day, the chow hanging was emblazoned on Page 1. Wags in the newsroom suggested many tasteless headlines, but it was decided to label the picture simply: Mayor Teaches Dogs a Lesson in Smalltown.

The paper had a rare editor who believed that pictures were indeed, worth a thousand or so outraged words. Within hours, hundreds of outraged callers jammed the paper’s phones. Emails by the thousands threatened the paper’s servers. Howls from animal lovers resounded world-wide.

A week later, the photographer was found, beaten senseless in his driveway. A note from a radical animal rights group was pinned to his shirt, but blood obscured the message.

The next day a golden retriever was the victim in our small town, and I’m not sure but the last I heard the dog catcher team had their eyes on a pit-bull loose in the park.



Filed under Huh?

7 responses to “Once upon a time..

  1. Malia

    Whoa, your satire is disturbing, ugly and possibly prophetic. Yikes! You did have disturbing dreams last night, huh?

  2. Lesley

    What an awful story! How could you possibly write that here? Shame on you!


  3. Is this an allegory or just a tremendously disturbing way to start a Thursday?

  4. Look, you really just need to apologize for your obvious right-wing bias, take a two-week sabbatical, and get over yourself. It is completely inappropriate to tell a story such as this with no explanation. I’m confused already and may, against my will, start killing dogs.

    I don’t hate you, but I hope you’re leaving.

    (*sad that I have to write this part, but yes, sarcasm here too*)

  5. Gawd, you are such a racist, John!

  6. bridgett

    You perverted bastard! How can you talk about doggie-style in a post endorsing the slaughter of dogs? You’ve been insensitive to anyone who ever hanged a dog or wanted to. I’m calling your boss.

  7. This is what insomnia does to a person…I was laying in a stupor late last night, halfway between sleep and wakefulness, when I finally understood this parable.

    I’m slow like that sometimes, and what the heck are you doing in my subconscious?

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