Ladies and Gentlemen, fellow congressmen/governors/senators/legislators/teammates:
I have disgraced my office/team, and more importantly my marriage and my family. No one has figured out what I’m doing. My name will not be appearing in court papers, in any blogs or in the mainstream media. I’ve been committing adultery/embezzling funds/taking bribes/having sex with interns/consorting with gay jugglers and I have been getting away with this for many years. I’ve been quite careful. In fact, if I wasn’t telling you this today, I would still be continuing my illicit behavior for years to come.
It came to me last night when, like so many other nights, I had trouble sleeping. What I’ve been doing is wrong. I don’t need anyone to report me/expose me/subpoena me. I need to stand up and say to you, the press, my colleagues, and more importantly, my family, that I have behaved abhorrently. I don’t expect you to forgive or forget me at this time. I’ve done nothing to deserve your mercy.
I am resigning from office today and plan to spend time with my family if they will show me the grace and mercy I do not deserve. If I do enter some type of treatment, trust me that you will not be privy to details of my entrance into treatment, my progress during treatment or my post-treatment behavior. I pray that someday I will have lived long enough that my life will clearly reflect my deep sorrow and remorse.
Thank you for listening.
*or athlete speech