Category Archives: irony may be the shackle of youth but I love it

That stupid Golden Rule

“Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, It will set you free Be more like the man you were made to be.” Mumford & Sons

Here is the law I am proposing for the great state of Tennessee. Perhaps other states will follow along. Based on sheer appearance, we really don’t know how many Canadians are in our midst, working along side us, receiving food stamps, attending our hockey games and promulgating the myth that their bacon is superior. Seriously.

I’m thinking that every time a law enforcement agent sees a suspicious looking white person, every time a white driver is pulled over for a traffic infraction, every time a white person is hanging out on the streets and every time a white person behaves in any manner suspiciously, that a passport or birth certificate be demanded on the spot. If said white person cannot produce either document, he or she will be detained until a member of their family can produce one of the two documents.

Some would argue that a simple pronunciation test would suffice – ‘Sir, would you please say the words ‘house’ and ‘about’ or questioning the suspect about the life of Bobby Orr, but pronunciation tics can be un-learned and facts about Bobby Orr can be faked. It’s time we take back our state from the hockey-obsessed, weird-bacon loving Habs.

If the document cannot be obtained with 48 hours, the said white person will be incarcerated, at a cost to said white person of $200.00. Citizenship isn’t cheap my friends. If not proof of citizenship can be found, said white person will be flown to Detroit, and given fare to cross the Big Bridge. Since we are really not racial profiling but looking for suspicious behavior or odd driving, I’m sure NO ONE will object to this new law.

Note: I really do like Canada and at least one Canadian..

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under golden rule stuff, irony may be the shackle of youth but I love it

Am-ur-i-can History – Texas style..

I was a history minor in college and still have quite an avid interest in the subject. I was lucky enough to be given an advance copy of one of the history texts approved by the Texas school board folks..it’s just a snippet, but I hope to get more chapters in the future..

Chapter 1: In the beginning the Intelligent Designer created the heavens and the earth. Before HE created light, HE created the dinosaurs and various fossils. He let them bump into each other looking for food-stuff that had not yet been created. On or about 2:00 PM on the first day (if there had been light or time), He killed the dinosaurs. Because He could. When He got around to creating light, He thought it would be quite fun to make it look like the light from the stars had already traveled millions of miles. He hadn’t come to creating the human-types yet, but He thought it would be really a lot of fun to mess around with them when He did get around to forming man from the mud that was yet to be processed. At first he thought that He would create something called the United States of America, but He thought that could wait until he came up with at least 10 rules for the human-types He was just about to create. So He created Man and added a lot more fossils just to mess around some more and said..Yes, this IS good.

After a few years of years of easy living, man had to go and screw it up by eating the one fruit in the world he was forbidden to eat. This was followed by many years of man mucking things up so much, thanks to excessive taxation, and overall government intervention, that the Intelligent Designer decided it was time for a do-over. Despite the valiant efforts of Hands-on-Tyre, the ensuing flood wiped out everyone except Noah and his family and a whole ark of animals. Noah wanted to sail for the United States of America, but sadly they were only a design in the eye of the Intelligent Designer….

Noah eventually landed pretty much where he started after the floods receded, and his family began to re-populate the earth.  Soon, things were as mucked up as they were before, so the Intelligent Designer decided that mankind in general was a brutish lot. Giving up, for the moment, on the entire mankind, He decided to choose a group of people and concentrate on them.

Not only would He choose them but He would give them a special sovereign  nation surrounded by tribes and war-loads who despised them mightily.  “Need to keep the chosen people on their toes”.  He then freed their collective selves from the bonds of the Egyptians without means of a messy over-rated Civil Rights movement. No need for protest when you have boils, locusts, blood-water, snakes and a really interesting form of primogeniture.

He gave directions to his chosen ones to their new land.  Unfortunately, the chosen lot while really good at mathematics, medical skills, negotiating and political thought were a bit low on the explorer gene.  No Vasco de Goldsteins in the bunch.  Forty years later, when they finally made it to their home, where they could practice their commandments as kind of an experimental lab for the later and greater United States of America, where despite their chosen-ness, they fell into the trap of excessive governmental intervention and were subsequently whisked to Babylon, the well-spring of many a fine tune.

<SNIP>

And then after attending church for the third time that week, the men who became known as our Founding Fathers, were visited by Moses and told to build a new country, unfettered with excessive governmental intervention.  Thankfully, the colonial power, England, dressed their soldiers in red and marched in straight lines into battle and after a few years of developing the spirit of the 4th of July, the USA, the new and greatest Chosen nation won its independence from Great Britain.

So impressed were the dark-skinned Africans who suffered in a brutal clime, that many African leaders practically begged to work in America, free-of-charge, just so they could get away from the jungles and all the lions and vuvuzelas.  Thus ships were built to transport these willing souls who happily dedicated their lives to the servitude of their masters.

After many years of growing the southern economy, the purveyors of excessive governmental intervention decided that due to a rather odd interpretation of ‘all men are created equal’ found in our Declaration of Independence, it was quite possible that the servitude of the dark skin was somewhat illegal despite the love the slaves had for their masters.

So deep was this governmental intervention, that northern aggressors besieged and attacked the south.  President Lincoln, far exceeding his limited Presidential mandate, summarily freed the slaves, and the south was decimated.

Most of the good southerners who survived the war moved to Texas where they became the latest version of the Chosen People.

<snip>.  Texans are a strong and hearty breed and health care is not needed in these climes.

Sadly, that’s all the chapters I could find.

Unfortunately, this is the only fragment of the book I was able to purloin, er, borrow..

1 Comment

Filed under irony may be the shackle of youth but I love it, travel, we don't need no education

William F. Buckley, R.I.P.

I am not conservative in many of my beliefs. However, I was raised by conservatives in a house where Bill Buckley was revered. The only non-art magazine (my dad was an art teacher) that my dad read regularly was ‘National Review‘. As a teenager I didn’t like much about the magazine, other than the fact it was as well edited and written as anything outside of the ‘New Yorker’.

As an adult, I grew to understand and appreciate what Buckley did for the conservative movement (practically a mid-wife to most of the biggest names in the movement today), not only providing eloquent apologetics for conservatism, but almost single-handedly steering them away from the shoals of the far-right (John Birchers) and the nearly anarchic uber-libertarian wing (Ayn Rand and her ilk).

Buckley was not easy to pigeon-hole and made no apologies for his elite inheritance. His native wit and command of the language not only made his magazine worth reading, but also provided some of the most fun spy novels of the latter 20th century (Blackford Oakes). He supported legalization of marijuana and came to oppose the war in Iraq, practically invented Ronald Reagan, as well as siring one of the funniest satirical novelists of our lifetime (Christopher Buckley).

His magazine stands in harsh contrast to the tinniness and thought-by-bromide nastiness of talk radio. He was a humorous polymath, and despite the fact that I agree so little with what he has spawned, I can’t help but be saddened by this loss. Today’s GOP (especially the Tennessee popinjays) would do well to emulate his civility and rapier wit, but I’m thinking they won’t (and maybe that’s not so bad for my ‘side’)

9 Comments

Filed under irony may be the shackle of youth but I love it, politics, sanctity of life

Pro-Life the Bush way

$70,000,000 a DAY for Iraq.

Veto Extending Children’s Insurance Bill (S-SCHIP). Children WITH-OUT insurance will continue to receive some kind of care. Sadly, it will be in an emergency room at a hospital near you, at a cost that will eventually, ironically, be borne by you.

We’re watching this one folks. Compassionate conservatism on health apparently only extends to the pharmaceutical manufacturers who wrote the recent Medicare Drug Bill (which doesn’t allow competitive bidding by states or health entities for a better RX cost – Capitalism is apparently only meaningful for the lower classes.

My favorite line on this is from ‘The Moderate Voice‘:

And, indeed, you don’t have to be a political scientist to predict that, if this issue remains as it is on Election Day. some Republicans who voted against the plan arguing it was a perilous step on the way to government health care will feel sick as they realize they have to send resumes out for their post-Washington work lives.

But if they feel sick, they can always go to the doctor.

After all, they’re still covered under their government health care plans…

4 Comments

Filed under health care, irony may be the shackle of youth but I love it

Right-wing guide to honoring the military

First, ascertain if said person was or is indeed part of the military.

Second, ascertain if said person supports our President’s effort to go after Bin Laden, find weapons of mass destruction, bring democracy to Iraq, at least achieve most of the benchmarks we set in Iraq belittle the benchmarks as not realistic safeguard markets when politicians and generals visit said markets to ensure their safety bring some semblance of safety and normality to some part of Iraq.

Ok now..if our military person agrees with the current mission and doesn’t whine about not having enough protection or equipment to keep him/her safe – YOU CAN HONOR THEM. ABSOLUTELY. SAFE FOR HONORING.

However, if former or current military member questions the effort to go after Bin Laden, find weapons of mass destruction, bring democracy to Iraq, at least achieve most of the benchmarks we set in Iraq belittle the benchmarks as not realistic safeguard markets when politicians and generals visit said markets to ensure their safety bring some semblance of safety and normality to some part of Iraq, you DO NOT, repeat DO NOT have to honor them. In fact, you can call them phonies*.

And now the big bonus, if a war veteran runs for office or holds office and they criticize ANY of the above, they can be vilified, smeared, besmirched and slandered. ABSOLUTELY NO HONOR SHOULD BE GIVEN AT ANY POINT TO THIS TYPE OF PERSON. NONE.

If you have never served at any point in your life in the military and you have ‘achieved’ multiple deferments, you get to make extra rules about who we should and should not honor.

Tomorrows question: How many innocent civilians do Blackwater Security Guards have to kill before THEY lose honor?

*Yeah, I know that Limbaugh is backtracking about some wash-out soldier, but the truth is, and the transcript shows he used the word ‘PHONIES’. Maybe he has a multi-mirrored studio!

8 Comments

Filed under Iraq, irony may be the shackle of youth but I love it

Those crazy kids, or, sometimes the acorn falls far from the bush..

In her new book about AIDs, poverty and child abuse in developing countries, the young author discusses ‘safe sex’:

…..it’s a personal decision. All of us want our kids to be safe, and there’s no doubt that condoms make our kids safe. And many girls don’t have the choice—they are exploited sexually. It’s important they stay protected and protect others.

Can you name that author??

4 Comments

Filed under irony may be the shackle of youth but I love it

‘You can TAKE the reservation, you don’t know how to HOLD the reservation, or, Jameson Suites will not have my bedding anymore

I’m a Dave Ramsey believer on some points, chiefly the deal about credit cards. I guess I should say I’m a near-believer because I do have a credit card, but I rarely use the thing. I like to pay cash. Tonight I’m in Jackson, TN and I’m staying at the Country Inn and Suites. They take cash and they give the state rate, their room is comfortable, the air conditioner works, the TV works and the bed is ample.

On the other hand, take the Jameson Suites, which is where I made a reservation. They do not take cash after 7:00 PM. In my previous stays I’ve always arrived before 7:00. I didn’t know about their no-cash policy after 7:00. There is no sign stating that cash policy. When I made the reservation, their computer ‘remembered me’ and I’m guessing they remembered I paid cash. When I made the reservation, I told them I would be arriving around 7:30 or 8:00 PM. The person who TOOK the reservation did not mention this policy to me.

Needless to say, when I arrived, cash in hand and I was rebuffed, I was steamed. I did not curse. I did not yell, but I did show more than a modicum of irritation. On the other hand, I had an epiphany…It relates to the fact that I believe that pretty much everything in life can be related to at least one Seinfeld episode. I realized that I could be more than just a sideline viewer…For one brief shining moment, I could be Jerry. I promise you that the following is pretty close to verbatim. I’ve rarely been prouder.

Jerry/John H: I made a reservation for a king-size room, non-smoking.

Agent/Desk Clerk: (noticing that I have cash literally in hand) We can’t give you the room after 7:00 for cash.

Jerry/John H: I don’t understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?

Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we can’t give you the room

Jerry/John H: But the reservation keeps the room. That’s why you have the reservation.

Agent: I know why we have reservations.

Jerry/John H: I don’t think you do. If you did, I’d have a room. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to *hold* the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody
can just take them. (I was REALLY PROUD of myself at this point. Sadly, the clerk neither felt sympathy nor seemed to realize that she was taking part in a seminal moment of my post-modern life)

At this point, I veered off-script, but the results were nearly sponge-Seinfeld worthy:

Agent: I’m sorry we can’t give you a room. You can speak to the manager.

John H: ok, let me speak to the manager

Agent: I’m sorry..you can’t speak to the manager. She’s not here tonight.

John H: you just told me I could speak to the manager and now you are telling me that I can’t speak to the manager. Does she have a phone?

Agent: You can’t speak to the manager and you can’t have a room.

John H: (holding out a crisp $100 bill. You do see that this is legal tender, right (ok, at this point, I just may, just may have sounded a bit irritated)

Agent: I’m sorry, you can’t have a room for cash. You cannot speak to the manager until tomorrow.

John H: (leaving) trust me, I’ll speak to the manager tomorrow!

I really do think it’s sad that people who want to pay cash, can’t pay cash. It is worth something, you know! Jameson’s ain’t a bad place to stay, but they’ve lost my business.

7 Comments

Filed under Huh?, irony may be the shackle of youth but I love it, journey