Category Archives: travel

Am-ur-i-can History – Texas style..

I was a history minor in college and still have quite an avid interest in the subject. I was lucky enough to be given an advance copy of one of the history texts approved by the Texas school board folks..it’s just a snippet, but I hope to get more chapters in the future..

Chapter 1: In the beginning the Intelligent Designer created the heavens and the earth. Before HE created light, HE created the dinosaurs and various fossils. He let them bump into each other looking for food-stuff that had not yet been created. On or about 2:00 PM on the first day (if there had been light or time), He killed the dinosaurs. Because He could. When He got around to creating light, He thought it would be quite fun to make it look like the light from the stars had already traveled millions of miles. He hadn’t come to creating the human-types yet, but He thought it would be really a lot of fun to mess around with them when He did get around to forming man from the mud that was yet to be processed. At first he thought that He would create something called the United States of America, but He thought that could wait until he came up with at least 10 rules for the human-types He was just about to create. So He created Man and added a lot more fossils just to mess around some more and said..Yes, this IS good.

After a few years of years of easy living, man had to go and screw it up by eating the one fruit in the world he was forbidden to eat. This was followed by many years of man mucking things up so much, thanks to excessive taxation, and overall government intervention, that the Intelligent Designer decided it was time for a do-over. Despite the valiant efforts of Hands-on-Tyre, the ensuing flood wiped out everyone except Noah and his family and a whole ark of animals. Noah wanted to sail for the United States of America, but sadly they were only a design in the eye of the Intelligent Designer….

Noah eventually landed pretty much where he started after the floods receded, and his family began to re-populate the earth.  Soon, things were as mucked up as they were before, so the Intelligent Designer decided that mankind in general was a brutish lot. Giving up, for the moment, on the entire mankind, He decided to choose a group of people and concentrate on them.

Not only would He choose them but He would give them a special sovereign  nation surrounded by tribes and war-loads who despised them mightily.  “Need to keep the chosen people on their toes”.  He then freed their collective selves from the bonds of the Egyptians without means of a messy over-rated Civil Rights movement. No need for protest when you have boils, locusts, blood-water, snakes and a really interesting form of primogeniture.

He gave directions to his chosen ones to their new land.  Unfortunately, the chosen lot while really good at mathematics, medical skills, negotiating and political thought were a bit low on the explorer gene.  No Vasco de Goldsteins in the bunch.  Forty years later, when they finally made it to their home, where they could practice their commandments as kind of an experimental lab for the later and greater United States of America, where despite their chosen-ness, they fell into the trap of excessive governmental intervention and were subsequently whisked to Babylon, the well-spring of many a fine tune.

<SNIP>

And then after attending church for the third time that week, the men who became known as our Founding Fathers, were visited by Moses and told to build a new country, unfettered with excessive governmental intervention.  Thankfully, the colonial power, England, dressed their soldiers in red and marched in straight lines into battle and after a few years of developing the spirit of the 4th of July, the USA, the new and greatest Chosen nation won its independence from Great Britain.

So impressed were the dark-skinned Africans who suffered in a brutal clime, that many African leaders practically begged to work in America, free-of-charge, just so they could get away from the jungles and all the lions and vuvuzelas.  Thus ships were built to transport these willing souls who happily dedicated their lives to the servitude of their masters.

After many years of growing the southern economy, the purveyors of excessive governmental intervention decided that due to a rather odd interpretation of ‘all men are created equal’ found in our Declaration of Independence, it was quite possible that the servitude of the dark skin was somewhat illegal despite the love the slaves had for their masters.

So deep was this governmental intervention, that northern aggressors besieged and attacked the south.  President Lincoln, far exceeding his limited Presidential mandate, summarily freed the slaves, and the south was decimated.

Most of the good southerners who survived the war moved to Texas where they became the latest version of the Chosen People.

<snip>.  Texans are a strong and hearty breed and health care is not needed in these climes.

Sadly, that’s all the chapters I could find.

Unfortunately, this is the only fragment of the book I was able to purloin, er, borrow..

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Filed under irony may be the shackle of youth but I love it, travel, we don't need no education

Magdalena

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That’s Magdalena on the left (my wonderful daughter on the right). Magdalena is Erin’s ‘host sister’. She’s 16 years old and tighter than a tick with my daughter. This picture is from a restaurant in Lima where we ate the best cerbiche’ known to man.

Magdalena doesn’t have any English and my Spanish is pretty much limited to ‘banos?’ (bathroom) and ‘agua sin gas’ (non carbonated water), so Erin had to translate. Nonetheless, Mag thought I was hilarious because I asked her silly questions and made fun of the traffic cops in the intersections with their dramatic hand signals and gestures. We laughed about boy friends, the amount of bracelets and necklaces a person could possibly wear at one time, about the fact that her baby brother pretty much has the same name as her older brother (thanks to grand-dad who makes the rules around the house) and lots of other stupid stuff.

As we were leaving she told Erin to tell Lynn (my wife) that she must be a lucky and happy woman to live with such a funny man. The true meaning and aural sensation of the word ‘SNORK’ could be encapsulated by the the sound emanating from Lynn’s mouth and nostrils accompanied with eye-rolling worthy of a gold medal if the Olympics elected to add eye-rolling as an Olympic sport.

Personally, I’m thinking Mag is pretty dang smart, and boy does she have a great smile.

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Filed under friends and family, journey, travel

By the time I get to Phoenix (i better be getting in shape), or, why is that airport security guy snickering?

The Sky Harbor airport in Phoenix is piloting testing out a new passenger security scanner system with a device that can actually see through your clothes. I don’t obsess about my skinny arms and legs and lack of er, trunk (when I lived in Brooklyn, the kids called me bookoo smash – because I looked like something had smashed my ‘bookoo), but it has to be more than a little embarrassing knowing that government employees are eyeballing the true state of my external nature.

The good news is that they’ll probably beg me to hurry on through. On the other hand, the Halle Berry’s of this world may need that extra-special surveillance JUST to make sure that everything is a-ok.

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Filed under Huh?, travel

Am i jet blue, or, I am human, not a bovinian

jet blue on the back side..

Some people I know had a dreadful Jet Blue experience. My story is different. Anytime I can fly to NYC for $67 (one-way), listen to XM radio and watch a hockey game showing on front of my friend’s seat while sitting only two-on-each-side-of-the-aisle, I’m pretty happy.

Compared to the bovine bunching of the A-B-C categorizing from the SW folks, this feels at least one step up the evolutionary chain. It’s not first-class, but they have a little sass.

Verdict: one round-trip into the Jet Blue experience, I’m using my opposable digit to signify my happiness.

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Filed under travel

I’ve been most everywhere man, except any foreign countries other than Canada or Mexico

Thanks to Chez Bez via Lynnster

create your own personalized map of the USA

I seem to be avoiding some of the ‘cold’ ones. I resolve someday to ‘GET’ those other states!

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Filed under self-referential nonsense, travel